The Truth about SPAM

I HATE spam email. I hate that the only email I get from some people is some stupid forward with pictures of bald eagles telling me to be more American. I hate that sometimes people change the subject of the message from what should be "fwd:fwd:fwd lame ass email" to something more enthralling like "Nikki, I think you'll like this." Those people should get added to my husband's People I'd Like to Punch list. Today I got an email from my cousin titled "A word of thanks...", so naturally I open it prepared to take credit from something I'm sure I didn't do, and I get slammed with yet another spam email. Dammit! I figured I'd read it since I had opened it already, and was pleasantly surprised with it's content. I edited it before sharing it with you, but I hope you enjoy the sentiment of the following spam email as much as I did.


I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery !!!I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

What the heck is

Maternal Tissue. I was reading some information about how the weight you gain during pregnancy is distributed.
7 - 9 pounds of baby
2 pounds of placenta
2 pounds of amniotic fluid
4 - 5 pounds of increased blood volume
2 pounds uterine enlargement
3 - 4 pounds of fluid in maternal tissue
1 pound of breast enlargement to prepare for breastfeeding
Any remaining pounds are a general deposit of fat required by the body for breastfeeding and energy stores

All of it makes sense except maternal tissue...I will look up what it actually is, but I would love to hear what some of you thought it might be when you first read the question.

I want to be a Vampire

So I have not gotten onto the vampire craze. I haven't read or seen any of the Twilight saga. I don't have HBO, so didn't get into True Blood. I usually avoid watching anything on a station that has Wendy Williams in it's line up, but I caved because I knew I would be bored over Christmas break and I DVR'd the Vampire Diaries marathon that CW ran two weeks ago. Boy am I ever glad I did. My favorite thing about the show is they don't drag out every plot line. Cheesy teen dramas usually do that. In this case, the main plot line carries through and all the little side take a stake to the heart (I know cheesy pun). Well, I have to say congrats CW, you've sucked me back in to one of your useless shows that my husband makes fun of me for watching.

Don't forget to vote on my baby name poll! Only a couple of days left.

GOAL!

The hubs and I scored free tickets to the Jackets game tonight courtesy of one of my coworkers. The seats were awesome! I'm bummed I forgot my camera because I've never had better seats at a hockey games. There were two great fights, the game went into overtime, and the Jackets won, scoring a great goal right in front of us. Joe enjoyed himself drinking two 24 ounce beers then begging me for White Castle on the way home. The baby kicked throughout the whole game, so Joe's love of hockey has apparently been passed down to our little one. Weird pregnancy side note: my taste buds must have changed. Usually my favorite part of a hockey game is the one dollar cotton candy on the way to the car. Well tonight the stuff made me want to vomit. Joe insists it tasted fine to him, but it me it tasted like they deep fried some Long John Silvers in the cotton candy machine prior to whipping up the batch. Hopefully that goes away once the baby is born.

Christmas Recap

The best thing about this Christmas...getting to sleep in my own bed every night. In the past we always stayed the night at the in laws in Cincinnati, which was never a good night sleep, but with an easy rearrangement of events I was able to sleep cozy each night.

Christmas Eve with my parents was really nice. My sister and family agreed to put aside some family drama for the evening and just enjoy each other's company. Joe and I scored some sweet loot including an HP picture printer, and ihome speaker system, legos (for Joe), comfy socks, a new watch (for me) and lots of yummy candy. The baby got a stocking full of goodies and a Bengals onsie with the most adorable little booties I have ever seen. Thanks Mom and Dad!

At the in laws on Christmas day Joe got some football books, and my mother in law gave me a rug she hooked herself. Not my style, but it's the thought that counts.

Joe and I exchanged gifts Christmas night and he got me a heating pad (love it) some new yoga pants and some bump-its. I originally had said I wanted these as a joke, but now I'm excited to try them out.

Today we cleaned up from the Christmas hoopla and put the baby's crib together. The nursery is coming together nicely. I will post pictures later...I'm too lazy to climb the stairs to take one.

I hope you all had an enjoyable Christmas as well!

Bump Day - Week 24

The Baby
Baby's now the size of a papaya!Baby's skin is becoming more opaque as the fat starts to pack on. And, thanks to the formation of small capillaries, her newly thick skin is taking on a fresh pink glow.
(Really...my baby is still the size of a papaya? I find it hard to believe it hasn't grown in two weeks. Way to get lazy on the fruit analogies "Bump")

The Mommy - In Theory
As much as we love your company, take a break from the computer if your fingers feel numb or tingly. It's probably carpal tunnel syndrome, often brought on by pregnancy. Stretch your hands frequently to loosen them up. For significant symptoms, try wrist braces or splints at nighttime.

The Mommy - For Real
I was experiencing that whole carpal tunnel thing weeks ago. All the sudden my left wrist started to hurt all the time. Weird. I'm starting to freak out about all the decisions I still have to make. On the list:
-Breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding vs. pumping
-Childbirth classes/tour of the hospital...I have no idea what I'm in for on delivery day
-epidural vs. other pain strategies...in no way do I think I'm going to go au natural...not my style

I am super excited though because the 24th week marks what is called Viability Day. This means if for some awful reason I were to go into early labor, the baby has a much higher chance of surviving, and the doctors will do all they can to ensure that. Hopefully this isn't a worry, but it's nice to know I've hit such an important milestone. I can't believe I only have 16 weeks left! EEK!

Help me decide

So the hubby and I just can't seem to pick a baby boy's name. We have it narrowed down, but we love them all and can't decide. I'm reaching out to all my blogging friends for your opinions. I put the poll up, and if you could leave some comment love about why you chose what you did, that would be great. Maybe some of your comments will help us narrow it down even more.
THANKS!