The Truth about SPAM

I HATE spam email. I hate that the only email I get from some people is some stupid forward with pictures of bald eagles telling me to be more American. I hate that sometimes people change the subject of the message from what should be "fwd:fwd:fwd lame ass email" to something more enthralling like "Nikki, I think you'll like this." Those people should get added to my husband's People I'd Like to Punch list. Today I got an email from my cousin titled "A word of thanks...", so naturally I open it prepared to take credit from something I'm sure I didn't do, and I get slammed with yet another spam email. Dammit! I figured I'd read it since I had opened it already, and was pleasantly surprised with it's content. I edited it before sharing it with you, but I hope you enjoy the sentiment of the following spam email as much as I did.


I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery !!!I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

What the heck is

Maternal Tissue. I was reading some information about how the weight you gain during pregnancy is distributed.
7 - 9 pounds of baby
2 pounds of placenta
2 pounds of amniotic fluid
4 - 5 pounds of increased blood volume
2 pounds uterine enlargement
3 - 4 pounds of fluid in maternal tissue
1 pound of breast enlargement to prepare for breastfeeding
Any remaining pounds are a general deposit of fat required by the body for breastfeeding and energy stores

All of it makes sense except maternal tissue...I will look up what it actually is, but I would love to hear what some of you thought it might be when you first read the question.

I want to be a Vampire

So I have not gotten onto the vampire craze. I haven't read or seen any of the Twilight saga. I don't have HBO, so didn't get into True Blood. I usually avoid watching anything on a station that has Wendy Williams in it's line up, but I caved because I knew I would be bored over Christmas break and I DVR'd the Vampire Diaries marathon that CW ran two weeks ago. Boy am I ever glad I did. My favorite thing about the show is they don't drag out every plot line. Cheesy teen dramas usually do that. In this case, the main plot line carries through and all the little side take a stake to the heart (I know cheesy pun). Well, I have to say congrats CW, you've sucked me back in to one of your useless shows that my husband makes fun of me for watching.

Don't forget to vote on my baby name poll! Only a couple of days left.

GOAL!

The hubs and I scored free tickets to the Jackets game tonight courtesy of one of my coworkers. The seats were awesome! I'm bummed I forgot my camera because I've never had better seats at a hockey games. There were two great fights, the game went into overtime, and the Jackets won, scoring a great goal right in front of us. Joe enjoyed himself drinking two 24 ounce beers then begging me for White Castle on the way home. The baby kicked throughout the whole game, so Joe's love of hockey has apparently been passed down to our little one. Weird pregnancy side note: my taste buds must have changed. Usually my favorite part of a hockey game is the one dollar cotton candy on the way to the car. Well tonight the stuff made me want to vomit. Joe insists it tasted fine to him, but it me it tasted like they deep fried some Long John Silvers in the cotton candy machine prior to whipping up the batch. Hopefully that goes away once the baby is born.

Christmas Recap

The best thing about this Christmas...getting to sleep in my own bed every night. In the past we always stayed the night at the in laws in Cincinnati, which was never a good night sleep, but with an easy rearrangement of events I was able to sleep cozy each night.

Christmas Eve with my parents was really nice. My sister and family agreed to put aside some family drama for the evening and just enjoy each other's company. Joe and I scored some sweet loot including an HP picture printer, and ihome speaker system, legos (for Joe), comfy socks, a new watch (for me) and lots of yummy candy. The baby got a stocking full of goodies and a Bengals onsie with the most adorable little booties I have ever seen. Thanks Mom and Dad!

At the in laws on Christmas day Joe got some football books, and my mother in law gave me a rug she hooked herself. Not my style, but it's the thought that counts.

Joe and I exchanged gifts Christmas night and he got me a heating pad (love it) some new yoga pants and some bump-its. I originally had said I wanted these as a joke, but now I'm excited to try them out.

Today we cleaned up from the Christmas hoopla and put the baby's crib together. The nursery is coming together nicely. I will post pictures later...I'm too lazy to climb the stairs to take one.

I hope you all had an enjoyable Christmas as well!

Bump Day - Week 24

The Baby
Baby's now the size of a papaya!Baby's skin is becoming more opaque as the fat starts to pack on. And, thanks to the formation of small capillaries, her newly thick skin is taking on a fresh pink glow.
(Really...my baby is still the size of a papaya? I find it hard to believe it hasn't grown in two weeks. Way to get lazy on the fruit analogies "Bump")

The Mommy - In Theory
As much as we love your company, take a break from the computer if your fingers feel numb or tingly. It's probably carpal tunnel syndrome, often brought on by pregnancy. Stretch your hands frequently to loosen them up. For significant symptoms, try wrist braces or splints at nighttime.

The Mommy - For Real
I was experiencing that whole carpal tunnel thing weeks ago. All the sudden my left wrist started to hurt all the time. Weird. I'm starting to freak out about all the decisions I still have to make. On the list:
-Breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding vs. pumping
-Childbirth classes/tour of the hospital...I have no idea what I'm in for on delivery day
-epidural vs. other pain strategies...in no way do I think I'm going to go au natural...not my style

I am super excited though because the 24th week marks what is called Viability Day. This means if for some awful reason I were to go into early labor, the baby has a much higher chance of surviving, and the doctors will do all they can to ensure that. Hopefully this isn't a worry, but it's nice to know I've hit such an important milestone. I can't believe I only have 16 weeks left! EEK!

Help me decide

So the hubby and I just can't seem to pick a baby boy's name. We have it narrowed down, but we love them all and can't decide. I'm reaching out to all my blogging friends for your opinions. I put the poll up, and if you could leave some comment love about why you chose what you did, that would be great. Maybe some of your comments will help us narrow it down even more.
THANKS!

Thank the lord

Our internet went out Wednesday night...

Translation: Nikki spent two days whining about how she couldn't keep up with her blog buddies and bump chatrooms.

Thank goodness Joe fixed it tonight. I would have lost my mind without internet going into two weeks of winter break.

A Conversation with my Husband

Me: If we have a boy, are we going to have him circumcised
Joe: Uh yeah, uncircumcised ones look weird
Me: Have you seen a lot of uncircumcised ones?
Joe: Yeah, in porn.
Me: That's gross, porno king
Joe: Just because I'm worldly and sophisticated, doesn't make me gross

Apparently watching porn makes you worldly and sophisticated in my husband's crazy world.

Internal Abuse

So I've been feeling the baby kick for a couple of weeks now. It's a weird feeling to know that there is a human using your insides as a punching bag. Today I got to see the baby move for the first time. Up until now, I've been feeling the kicks really low, but tonight I was feeling them on the left side, meaning my little one has decided to stretch out across my stomach. The kicks were pretty strong, so I had Joe come feel since he hasn't really felt the baby a ton, and he felt it right away. So then I was just staring at my left side when all the sudden I was clearly poked from the inside. It was cool, but WEIRD! I mean, my skin popped out and everything. Just like a little hill being formed on my side, then fading away again.

I have 17 weeks of this left, so I can only imagine it will get even weirder.

100th post - Guest Blogger

And without further ado, here's my dear husband's guest blog.

(p.s. I didn't realize he was going to write a novel...he swears it's funny)

People I’d like to punch in the face..
Has anyone ever annoyed you so much that you want to simultaneously inflict pain and embarrassment upon them? Well here’s my list of people who’s mere presence on this earth is a crime against humanity and fall into the category of skull punching.

Haley Joel Osment/Dakota Fanning – This really is meant for any child actor who acts like a grown up. There’s just something that gets to me about a four year old having a larger vocabulary and more maturity than myself (and yes, I know they’re both like 20 now but some other little demon spawn will come along to carry on the legacy). Here’s what I’d imaging a conversation between me and War of the Worlds Dakota Fanning would be like:

Me: Hey there little girl. Would you like a lollipop?
Dakota (while texting on her BlackBerry): No thanks. Too much sugar before noon makes me bloated and I’m already carrying a lot of water weight from a salty breakfast.
Me: Uhh… Okay, how about a great, big juice box?
Dakota: Well, I do need to hydrate, but do you have any mineral water? Or how about a non-fat, no whip, triple shot caramel macchiato with just a pinch of cinnamon?
Me: How about a left hook to the eyeball?

Miley Cirus – This hatred started about 2 months ago when her new single ‘Party in the USA’ came out. When I first heard it on the radio I changed the station right away. But every time I’ve heard it since it’s taken me longer and longer to change the station until finally I’m singing along at the top of my lungs (while nodding my head like yeah and shaking my hips like yeah). And then that feeling of self loathing comes over me as I realize that I’m no better than the twelve year olds waiting in line for the new Twilight movie. Kinda like the feeling you get after you laugh too hard a racist joke.

Tyra Banks – Oh lord how I hate America’s Next Top Model. I’d like to punch everyone even remotely associated with that show in the face. And to make it worse, they run all day marathons of this crap that my wife watches from sun up to sun down, eagerly waiting to see what will happen next as if it won’t be a bunch of talentless, undernourished women taking freaky pictures while Tyra gushes over them and generally acts like a 10 year old. Use your words, Tyra. I have no idea what you mean when you say that someone needs to be less like.. and then you scream… and more like… and then you sigh. I bet if I socked you in the jaw you’d get how I was feeling.

Street peddlers at the intersection – Hey, dumbass, it’s a busy intersection and I’m trying to make this left arrow. How about you ask me for my 23 cents when I’m not barreling down on you at 35mph and impervious to your presence because, well, it is a road and I’m jamming out to my Miley Cirus. Seriously, my wife and I have donated thousands of dollars to various charities over the years but a bearded guy with a reeking tuna and/or pickles stench is giving me the stink eye because I don’t feel like fishing through my car for loose change. I’ve been ignoring those commercials for third world countries and abandoned pets for years, Beardo, and they actually need my money. You don’t stand a chance.

Things 8th graders say....

That make them sound stupid (and my silent replies)

"Mrs. Kelley, he wrote on me." ( Well, you wrote on him first...I guess now you're even, loser)

"Did you just fart?" (Sure, I walked up, stood right in front of you and farted. That sounds like something a 28 year old would do, loser)

"There's no chair at my desk" (Look around dumbass...there are 5 chairs near your desk. Grab one of them, loser.)

"My pencil broke." (Really!? Are you so clueless that you don't know the solution to your problem is to walk 3 feet to the pencil sharpener, loser)

"You're pregnant! How did that happen?" (Ummm...maybe you need to repeat health class. I'm pretty sure they show the birthing video in 8th grade, loser)

"My head almost fits through the hole in the back of the chair!" (If I weren't afraid of the backlash, I would have helped you push your head the rest of the way through, cause there is no way you would have gotten it out, and I would have loved to see your dumbass walking around with a chair on his neck, loser)

Thank god I am going on maternity leave for the last 7 weeks of school. I would never make it through this year otherwise!

Bump Day - Week 22

The Baby

Baby's now the size of a papaya!Baby's settling into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day. It shouldn't be hard to figure out when -- just pay attention to those kicks as they start and stop.

The Mommy - In Theory

Real estate within your belly is getting tight, with growing baby leaving little room for your lungs to...well...breathe. Expect the huffing and puffing to start soon. There's not much room for your belly button, either -- it'll pop out any day now.

The Mommy - For Real

How big is a papaya? These weekly emails often make me want to go to the grocery store just to hold up the object that will show me how big my baby is. Comparing my belly to just last week...damn that thing grew. My last few pairs of pre-pregnancy work pants that I was still fitting into have bit the dust this week. I figure, why suffer through the tight button pants when I can slide into the most comfy maternity pants. Seriously, why don't they make all work pants this comfortable. I may never switch back.

The baby is seriously kicking now. I get to feel it each time I eat. At night as I'm falling asleep, it usually gives me a few kicks. Today Joe got to feel it again. We're both waiting for the day when we can see it moving. That will be weird.

Lazy Blogger

So instead of having my own things to say, I send you over to Brittany at Sweet, Sassy, and Oh so Classy because she says exactly what I want to say.

My 100th post is coming up, and as a treat I have enlisted my hubs to do a guest post. He has a doozy planned so stay tuned!

Weekend Trip

This past weekend I took my first journey to Pittsburgh. The hubby some friends and I went to watch the UC vs. Pitt game. It was great. The game was exciting, nothing like a Buckeyes game because there was no defense and lots of touchdowns. UC came out victorious, which means the city of Pittsburgh has not beat the city of Cincinnati in football at all this season. What a great sweep!

We got the glider and crib for the nursery, once they are put together I'll share pics.

Bump Day Week 21

The Baby

Baby's now the size of a banana! Baby's digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion, and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper after birth. And, if baby is a girl, her womb is now stocked up with her lifetime supply of six million eggs (the number will drop to around one million by birth).

The Mommy - In Theory

Gasp...is that a stretch mark?!! Take deep breaths and remember -- they'll fade after delivery. Your skin may also feel dry and itchy, especially over your emerging bump. Take a cue from your fetus, now coated by vernix (a milky, protective cream), and slather on the lotion.

The Mommy - For Real

I'm a little amazed at this whole process. For one, it's weird to think that if I'm having a girl she's already produced the eggs, one of which may be my future grandchild. We had our half way ultrasound and the pictures are amazing. (hubby is going to scan them in at work and then I will share) We got to see it's heart (all four chambers), it's brain, it's spine, feet, hands, the works. The little one even gave us a thumbs up at the end to let us know everything is going fine. Carrying a baby is truly the most amazing thing!

Can I Febreeze my butt?

So I know this might be TMI, but they weren't kidding when they said pregnancy gives you gas. Serious gas. Knock you on your arse gas.

I would be rich if I could invent something you could ingest that made your farts smell better...