The Truth about SPAM

I HATE spam email. I hate that the only email I get from some people is some stupid forward with pictures of bald eagles telling me to be more American. I hate that sometimes people change the subject of the message from what should be "fwd:fwd:fwd lame ass email" to something more enthralling like "Nikki, I think you'll like this." Those people should get added to my husband's People I'd Like to Punch list. Today I got an email from my cousin titled "A word of thanks...", so naturally I open it prepared to take credit from something I'm sure I didn't do, and I get slammed with yet another spam email. Dammit! I figured I'd read it since I had opened it already, and was pleasantly surprised with it's content. I edited it before sharing it with you, but I hope you enjoy the sentiment of the following spam email as much as I did.


I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery !!!I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.I no longer can buy petrol or diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.