100th post - Guest Blogger

And without further ado, here's my dear husband's guest blog.

(p.s. I didn't realize he was going to write a novel...he swears it's funny)

People I’d like to punch in the face..
Has anyone ever annoyed you so much that you want to simultaneously inflict pain and embarrassment upon them? Well here’s my list of people who’s mere presence on this earth is a crime against humanity and fall into the category of skull punching.

Haley Joel Osment/Dakota Fanning – This really is meant for any child actor who acts like a grown up. There’s just something that gets to me about a four year old having a larger vocabulary and more maturity than myself (and yes, I know they’re both like 20 now but some other little demon spawn will come along to carry on the legacy). Here’s what I’d imaging a conversation between me and War of the Worlds Dakota Fanning would be like:

Me: Hey there little girl. Would you like a lollipop?
Dakota (while texting on her BlackBerry): No thanks. Too much sugar before noon makes me bloated and I’m already carrying a lot of water weight from a salty breakfast.
Me: Uhh… Okay, how about a great, big juice box?
Dakota: Well, I do need to hydrate, but do you have any mineral water? Or how about a non-fat, no whip, triple shot caramel macchiato with just a pinch of cinnamon?
Me: How about a left hook to the eyeball?

Miley Cirus – This hatred started about 2 months ago when her new single ‘Party in the USA’ came out. When I first heard it on the radio I changed the station right away. But every time I’ve heard it since it’s taken me longer and longer to change the station until finally I’m singing along at the top of my lungs (while nodding my head like yeah and shaking my hips like yeah). And then that feeling of self loathing comes over me as I realize that I’m no better than the twelve year olds waiting in line for the new Twilight movie. Kinda like the feeling you get after you laugh too hard a racist joke.

Tyra Banks – Oh lord how I hate America’s Next Top Model. I’d like to punch everyone even remotely associated with that show in the face. And to make it worse, they run all day marathons of this crap that my wife watches from sun up to sun down, eagerly waiting to see what will happen next as if it won’t be a bunch of talentless, undernourished women taking freaky pictures while Tyra gushes over them and generally acts like a 10 year old. Use your words, Tyra. I have no idea what you mean when you say that someone needs to be less like.. and then you scream… and more like… and then you sigh. I bet if I socked you in the jaw you’d get how I was feeling.

Street peddlers at the intersection – Hey, dumbass, it’s a busy intersection and I’m trying to make this left arrow. How about you ask me for my 23 cents when I’m not barreling down on you at 35mph and impervious to your presence because, well, it is a road and I’m jamming out to my Miley Cirus. Seriously, my wife and I have donated thousands of dollars to various charities over the years but a bearded guy with a reeking tuna and/or pickles stench is giving me the stink eye because I don’t feel like fishing through my car for loose change. I’ve been ignoring those commercials for third world countries and abandoned pets for years, Beardo, and they actually need my money. You don’t stand a chance.