5 things...

no one tells you about being a mom that aren't baby related.

1) A small plastic squirt bottle with warm water will be your best friend. You will use it every time you pee, and every time you will thank the inventors of the small plastic squirt bottle and the home water heater.

2) If you've ever wanted to know what you would look like with fake breasts two sizes bigger than your current breasts, this is your chance. When the milk comes in those suckers get huge and FIRM...can we say hello Pamela Anderson. You will spend the next week admiring your rack but doing everything in your power to prevent any milk from coming out which leads me to...

3) This is the one time in your life you will welcome the idea of putting ice directly on your boobs. Normally it's a 10 minute process to submerge your upper body in a 70 degree pool on a hot summer day...three days after giving birth and you will have two sets of ice packs in your freezer so that you are never without the cool relief they provide. You will even take said ice packs into the shower with you and hold them against your chest so you can enjoy a hot shower without running the risk of leaking.

4) You will insult your stitched up vagina when you tell your friend that the worst pain you have from being a new mom is the pinched nerve in your shoulder from using muscles in ways you've never had to before.

5) You will forget what you talked to other adults about before you had the baby. You will actually enjoy a 20 minute conversation about mortgages that starts as a joke when you say how excited you are to finally have some adult conversation.

I love being a mommy, but I had no heads up for these things. I hope the rest of you to follow with babies will not be caught off guard.